Indifference

Maybe some of you AA’ers can identify with this shall we state of mind rather than emotion. It could be said that indifference is lack of emotion but more likely it is a cover for envy and fear.  I always thought that indifference was a defense mechanism and a way for me to detach. However there are ways to emotionally detach with love. Indifference is not about love it is self-preservation, egotism, self-pride and quite simply a strategy to help us cope with life’s situations. On the surface this may seem to be true but indifference is for this alcoholic  like deadening a nerve. And I spent plenty of time doing just that when I imbibed my former good friend alcohol. 

As I think about it rather than indifference I think that detachment with love might suit me just a bit better. In this way I can get in touch with the emotion and then send it on it’s way with a prayer instead of rolling my eyes back in disdain or worse yet dismissing the experience as not worth my time.  Detachment with love has a great side benefit and that is that it will enhance those emotions that   empower me. Things like friendship, belonging, and healthy self-preservation, love and of course our number one, Sobriety.  

I can send indifference on its way and install detachment with love in its place instead

A.A. In the 21st Century

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) started in 1935 by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob was the second instance in American history where the seeds of a program were developed to help other alcoholics stop their addictive drinking. In view of the fact that this program continues to be the most widely utilized inpatient and outpatient alcohol addiction treatment program in the United States virtually without question and examination of just how effective it is should be of major concern due to the fact that problems and concerns with the rudimentary cornerstones of A.A. prevent some individuals from having other choices to seek treatment from. Religion, spirituality and lifetime commitment to one program may not apply to every individual with an alcohol addiction.  These elements must be considered if A.A. is truly worthy of being the Gold Standard for alcohol addiction treatment in the U.S.  This study examined the effectiveness of A.A. measured against the other protocols available to patients in the 21st century.  When compared to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was found that there is no significant statistical difference in the effectiveness of A.A. and three nationally recognized alternative treatment programs. Further, the study found that the environs and personal associations that alcoholics maintain during and after active treatment carry a major significance equal to or greater than the treatment itself. 

Procrastination

This trait present in all of us was one of my favorite pastimes. And still today I am plagued with it when so often had I followed my instincts and not “put off” something for another time when I was waiting for Jupiter to align with Mars I would have saved myself money, angst, consternation and a hell of a lot of trouble. It is often my conscious mind that keeps me putting off things when my intuition tells me to do it and do it now.  Procrastination for me is filling out paperwork, applications online but mostly it’s about telling the people we care about the things we need to say to them like the things they don’t want to hear. It’s easy to open our mouths when there are no real consequences. It’s when times don’t go the way we’d like that procrastination is the easier softer way. No more excuses procrastination has to go the way drinking did: exit stage right.  

Time Well Spent

One thing often leads to another just like one drink leads to another and another. Pretty soon the day is gone and the night is gone and we haven’t accomplished a thing.   Of course when you finally put down the drink there are plenty of other things that we can occupy our time with besides going to meetings, picking up the phone and talking to our sponsor. That is one thing that I found out early in my days in AA.  There are just so many hours in the day you can be sitting in a church basement.  When I quit at least several hours a day opened in my window of opportunity and somehow I had to figure out how to stay sober in this new allotment of time I never knew existed. What exactly that was took me a long time but little by slowly my Higher Power that I choose to call God put people, places and things in my path and so 22 ½ years later I can still call myself a sober man. I have made a ton of mistakes in my new life but now I remember what they were. I wouldn’t trade this new life for anything in the world. So many people need to anesthetize themselves just to navigate through the day. We do it stone cold sober. 

It also made me realize that there was a whole new world that had gone on while I was three sheets to the wind.  And a lot of things had changed when I stopped drinking. First off there were my relationships with my friends and relatives that I had ignored and in most cases abused.  Then there was my vocation that I had failed to give my level best to. Fortunately for me I worked for myself so the main harm I had done was to hurt my earning power. Reconfiguring how I was going to get back in the game took an incredible amount of patience and persistence two things that I didn’t have two cents worth while I was under the lash.  The real work began when it came to my relationships and there were many I simply left behind without a word because they were my drinking buddies but when it came to the people that cared about me well that was something else again.  More about this next post.  

Resentment

When I think of resentment I think of we alcoholics as the number one afflicted group. Scientifically I intuitively know that just isn’t so and that many of us, alcoholic or no are at one time or another subservient to this feeling which can hardly be called an emotion because it is not generated from our hearts rather from our own inadequacies and low self-esteem issues. 

What Kind of Drinker Were You?

People ask me what kind of drinker were you?  A seemingly innocent question that closet alcoholics ask when they are interested in comparing just how just how bad you were so they can exclaim:  I was never that bad.  

Comparing vs. identifying is one precept that AAers remind the newcomer about.  Identifying with another  leads the alcoholic with much more food for his own introspection.  Comparison on the other hand usually leads the comparer to the conclusion that his drinking habits are just fine thank you very much.  

Alcoholism is not a comparison Dis-Ease because some are sicker than others and the toxin does different things to different people at different times of the day and life.  But let’s get back to the question at hand. What kind of a drinker were you?  Kind of puts you in a position that is open for wide interpretation. The quick easy response is: One that drank too much. Simple but effective and one that will close off further discussion unless the question comes from someone that might be serious about their own condition.  Usually however it’s not the answer they’re looking for. They want to hear stories of DWI, mayhem and wild drunken behavior that led to dire consequences.  

Those lurid details are best kept close to the vest and shared with your sponsor or clinician or even a member of clergy. If we do take the bait we become the sideshow act that leaves us looking like the fool for someone that cares very little if at all.  All covered up with a hearty laugh at our expense.

What kind of drinker were you?  The kind bad dreams were made of.  

Thoughts that Pervade

I think that after having time to think about it I have changed my mind that I have stopped drinking for the rest of my days. Not that I would ever consciously pick up a drink but when a drink is in arms reach a sip or a gulp  still pervade my thoughts albeit briefly. It dawned on my conscious mind that my unconscious dis-ease is still active and not as inert as I originally felt or thought. 

Innocent thoughts or musings are a dangerous place for anyone that has drank alcoholically. And to say ipso facto that I will never drink again are my intention but I need to make sure that I have a contingency plan in place always.